Storytime With Mr Moony
by Lauro.weird
Summary: It's another boring holiday at #12 Grimmauld Place until Lupin decides to tell the Weasleys, Harry and Hermione some stories from his Marauder days. Laughs and surreal-ness ahead! PG13 for langauge.
1. Lupin's Introduction

"Anyone else up for a snack?" Lupin asked, coming into the room with a tray of marmalade sandwiches. Harry, Hermione and the Weasly children sat in front of the fireplace in the restored living room, watching Bill and Charlie transfigure a huge stack of secret documents page by page. All were keenly aware of Snape's presence as he sat in a diaplated armchair with a pile of old parchments.  
  
"Supper was only two hours ago!" said Hermione in surprise.  
  
"Suit yourself," said Lupin, cramming a sandwich whole in his mouth.  
  
"Skinny as he is, you'd think he ate less," Ron said to Harry.  
  
"I always get hungry near the full moon," Lupin said.  
  
"I'm bored," said Ginny. "I can't stand having to be quiet all the time. Haven't you figured out how to take down that horrid painting yet?"  
  
"Nah, it's all right, really," said Ron. "Keeps her quiet, at least." Ginny stuck her tongue out at him.  
  
"Professor Lupin," Hermione said, "didn't you say you would tell us some stories about Harry's dad sometime?"  
  
Harry glared at her. "How about he doesn't?"  
  
"All right," Lupin said thickly through a mouthful of sandwich. "That's it. Wait until you hear more about your dad before you go on like that, right?" He swallowed. "Now let's see. there was the time James and Sirius one-upped McGonagall- for the first and only time; and of course, when we made the map; oh, and when we all tried to find Peter a date for the Yule Ball and we had to end up transfiguring a flowerpot. There have got to be hundreds of great stories. Hogwarts was so much fun."  
  
"For some, perhaps," Snape sneered. Everyone jumped as he stood up. "I must- gladly- take my leave of you now. I have no wish to hear more blathering about Harry's. wonderful. father."  
  
"Oh come on," said Lupin. "After all, you're in. ah. well, you were there too." Snape glared daggers at him, but Lupin acted cheerfully oblivious. "What about the time we got stuck in that empty classroom for the whole night, eh?"  
  
"Charming to you, I'm sure," said Snape. "You must excuse me. I have no wish to recall one of the most disgustingly horrible nights of seven miserable years of secondary school."  
  
Everyone but Lupin sighed in relief as Snape left the room. Lupin frowned at them. "You know Severus Snape is on our side and should be treated with as much respect as any other member of the Order."  
  
"He's still a slimy git," George said.  
  
"Were you really trapped in a room with that for an entire night?" Ron asked. "If I were you I'd still be having nightmares!"  
  
"Actually, I was," Lupin said. But it wasn't just the two of us. James, Sirius and Peter were there too." He paused to pick up another two sandwiches.  
  
"Well don't leave us hanging," Hermione said impatiently. "Tell us what happened!"  
  
Remus grinned at the seven pairs of eager eyes and at Harry, who was trying (and failing) not to looked interested. "Okay," he said.  
  
"Well, one evening we were roaming around the castle, as usual, in James's invisibility cloak. This is back when we were still plotting out the Marauder's Map. Anyway, Sirius reckoned that he had found a secret passageway leading to the lake from one of the moving rooms.  
  
"So it takes us ages, because the rooms are always moving around, you know, but we finally find the room. And it looks pretty good, too, because it's got pictures of aquatic plants and all pasted on the walls, and plenty of books on the like. Sirius goes over to look at a pile of notes in the corner. And it turns out this is Severus's private study room that he made for himself, because the notes are all in his hand, and a couple have his name in the corner. Sirius swore that they were covered in grease.  
  
"Suddenly, the door opens, and it's Severus himself. Peter screams before we can throw the cloak back on. And Severus sees us then, but when he goes to open the door again, he finds the door's not there anymore."  
  
A/N: Each new story will start at the end of a chapter and be told from Remus's point of view, but the majority of the story will be in 3rd person. Oh yeah, and I know this chapter isn't exactly funny. It's an introduction! 


	2. Stuck with Snape

A/N: OMG! I almost passed out when I saw the reviews. You guys are totally awesome! I'll take all your thoughts into consideration, try to make more of a contrast between young Remus and Lupin, and all. Anyway, I guess I'll keep writing as long as people keep reviewing. So, enjoy!  
  
A/N 2: What the heck happened when I uploaded this? Somehow the quotation marks have gone weird. I'll try to upload it again and see if that works, but thanks to everyone who read it anyway. You're great!  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
"You!" Snape said. "Why, you- "  
  
"What the hell are-" James pulled out his wand, and Sirius followed suit. "Nasty little bastard that you are, sneaking around behind us too, are you now?"  
  
"This place is MINE!" Snape had time to say before his mouth was bound tightly shut by a stream of blue that shot out of Sirius's wand. The Marauders could hear the sounds of muffled profanity.  
  
"You'd think he'd learn not to spew his trash in better company," James said. "All right then, Snivellus. What'll it be today?"  
  
"I think it needs a makeover, it does," said Sirius. Peter laughed loudly and Sirius looked at Remus for more encouragement. Snape took advantage of that time to point his wand at Sirius and turn him into a hat rack.  
  
"You didn't take his wand?" Peter exclaimed as James tackled Snape and the two of them fell to the floor.  
  
Remus walked over to inspect the hat rack. "Polished aged hickory wood. Not bad. I've never heard of that spell, myself, but I can see how it would be useful."  
  
"I don't think Sirius appreciates that very much," Peter said. "Know how to turn him back? We'd better take him down to Madame Pomfrey. . . er, wasn't the door here a moment. . . um, Remus?"  
  
"Oh, this is nice," said Remus. "Severus, just how many dead-end traps did you have to put in this place?"  
  
James had just pinned Snape to the floor with a nice Floorboard charm and looked up. "What's that you said, Remus?"  
  
"The door's gone!" said Peter. "And there are no windows in this place. how are we supposed to get out of here?" He started banging on the walls. "Maybe someone will hear us."  
  
"Not likely." Snape said. "This room is soundproof. Separately ventilated. Unplottable. And I would stop banging on the walls if I were you."  
  
"Why?" Peter asked. In the next minute he was swept up to stick on the ceiling. "Trust a Slytherin," he muttered.  
  
"Trust an idiot Gryfinndor not to listen to his betters," Snape said. This provoked James to start pummeling him again, and Snape managed to get in only a few good curses before James got his wand.  
  
"STOP IT," Remus yelled. Everyone was so surprised that they stopped to listen to him. The hat rack gleamed attentively. "We're never going to get out of here unless you three" -he nodded to Sirius pointedly- "stop trying to KILL EACH OTHER."  
  
"But it's ever so much fun," Peter said. Remus glared at him. "Oh, all right. . . This is getting a bit uncomfortable.  
  
"James?" said Remus.  
  
"I will if he does," said James. "Only until we get out of here. Not like this is the end or anything."  
  
"He can't do anything to you," said Remus. "You've got his wand. Will you please let him up?" James reluctantly stood up. "And unstick him?"  
  
"There's no way for you four to get out of here anytime soon," Snape said with some satisfaction. "I've got a spell that will let me out, but intruders can suffer discovery by Filch or one of the profs. You could try to break the concealment spells I've got on this place, but that will no doubt alert the headmaster, and well, I think you've got enough detentions and referrals between you four, don't you?"  
  
"Remus is the best student in school, and James and Sirius are loads smarter than you," Peter said. "I think we could find a way out of here and take your wand with us. Then where would you be?"  
  
Remus sighed. This was going to take a while.  
  
-Half an hour later-  
  
Snape circled Sirius a few times. "This spell was my very own creation, you know," he said. "I've never actually tried it against a human, but I'm not surprised that it works."  
  
"Just turn him back already!" James snapped.  
  
"I think the idea is if you throw enough curses at him, something will work," said Snape. "You three had better start trying- well, two of you at least. Pettigrew would probably kill him."  
  
"Sorry Sirius," James whispered. "I know you're going to kill me later for this." He started rattling off everything he could think of.  
  
"What about me?" Peter said. "I'd get myself down, but my wand seems to have fallen and, you know, I'd probably break a few bones if I did it myself anyway."  
  
"Wand?" Snape muttered. He and Remus dived for it at the same time.  
  
"I've still got mine, you know," Remus said. "I don't trust you with one until I know you're not just going to magic yourself out of here." He grabbed Peter's wand and threw it to James.  
  
The wand hit Sirius in the head and in the next second he was sprawled on the floor, covered in bruises with his forehead brilliant purple. "Couldn't you have tried that at the beginning?" he said to James, who started laughing.  
  
"I think it's about midnight-" Peter started.  
  
"Two," Snape corrected automatically.  
  
"All right, two then. If we can't get out of here, could we at least try to get some sleep? We have a potions exam tomorrow and I was planning to study tonight, but. . ."  
  
"And how would I sleep, surrounded by you lot?" Snape snapped.  
  
"I can't believe you declared a truce with that," Sirius said to James contemptuously. "Next you'll be making friends with your common banana slug."  
  
"Just for the night- er, morning," James said sheepishly. "It was Remus's idea."  
  
Remus rolled his eyes. "Okay, James, will you give Severus back his wand if he swears not to use it to hex us or anything?"  
  
"He'll get away," James said. "If we have to be stuck here, he should too. This is his fault, anyway."  
  
"I couldn't get out if I wanted to," Snape sneered. "Thanks to you, I've gone over the time limit. Just give me back my wand. There are three and a half of you, and one of me. I'm not a dolt, unlike some of the other. . . occupants, of this room."  
  
"If you do anything to us, I swear I'll hex you so hard it'll make your grandparents hurt!" Sirius said.  
  
"Don't forget me up here!" said Peter.  
  
At last everyone had his own wand back. The Marauders were on one side of the room, glaring at Snape, who was sprawled out on the only seat available- a leather sofa. Snape had erected a spell boundary around himself and was fast asleep and snoring. James, Peter and Remus were asleep as well.  
  
Suddenly Sirius felt the wall shudder and begin to push inwards. He yelled and woke the other three up, and they stared in horror as the four walls of the room started moving towards each other. "Snape, you bastard!" Sirius screamed.  
  
Snape yawned and opened one eye. "Oh, that's just the room compacting itself to make room for the classrooms that accommodate the morning lessons." He closed his eyes, so he wouldn't have to see James, Sirius, Peter and Remus squashed into a four-by-four feet patch of carpet in front of his couch.  
  
"Oh, this is nice," Sirius said as he covered the four of them with the invisibility cloak. "I mean, I like you guys and all, but I never particularly wanted to sleep with you, no offense."  
  
"Why not?" Remus said. "You've slept with just about everyone else."  
  
"Not *everyone*. . ."  
  
"If you can't sleep, could you help me study for the exam tomorrow?" Peter asked. His only response was three innocent sleeping faces. "Friends," he muttered.  
  
-the next morning-  
  
Remus awoke first. His side was aching and his leg was numb from the weight of Sirius's head. He blinked sleepily and shifted everyone else's body parts off of himself and stood up. He grinned, then started as he heard voices. Quickly he moved to one side as Professor McGonagall came striding up to him. "Trouble," he muttered.  
  
James felt Lily next to him. He ran a hand through her long, smooth hair. "Like that, Evans?" he whispered.  
  
"For one thing, I'm not your precious Lily-kins, and for another I don't particularly fancy your hands stroking my hair."  
  
James opened his eyes. "Uh. . . Sirius?"  
  
"Yes," Remus said. "I think you'd better be getting up now, or his reputation as Hogwart's resident womanizer will be completely ruined."  
  
"Huh?" James said. He sat up and saw the considerable crowd, headed by Severus Snape, who was talking to Professor McGonagall.  
  
"Well, I was just walking along the corridor, going to see the Potions Master," he was saying, "when I found these four lying in a heap on the floor, and I thought I should report it, you know."  
  
"And gather a crowd, I see," McGonagall said dryly. "Well, I think I'll take it from here." She turned to the Marauders. "Frankly, I'm shocked. You boys should know better than to practice your. . . affections, here. This means detention, all of you, on Friday night, and-"  
  
"Er, professor?" James said. "Sirius and I already have detention Friday night. . . Professor Sprout. . ."  
  
"Very well, Saturday night then. And this means 25 points will be taken from Gryfinndor for each of you!"  
  
The Marauders groaned as she lambasted on and on. From behind her, Snape shook his head, shaking with silent laughter, and smirked.  
  
"Don't think I didn't see that, Mister Snape," McGonagall said. "You were roaming the corridors without a pass. Detention, as well."  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Lupin smiled. "Fortunately, James made up the points by winning the next Quidditch match in record time."  
  
"Still, I can't believe you can sit and laugh about it," Hermione said, looking scandalized. "100 points! And you were a prefect, too."  
  
"In my defense, the only times I ever got detention or lost points were with James and Sirius!" Lupin said laughing. "I was good the rest of the time."  
  
"Say, what was the spell that Snape used?" Fred asked.  
  
Lupin frowned at him. "No, Fred. Besides, I never did find out. If you're that curious, go ask Severus."  
  
"That was brilliant!" Ron said. "Tell another?"  
  
"Sorry, I can't," Lupin said, his smile fading. "I've got to get to work. . . Order business."  
  
"Are you quite ready yet, Lupin?" Snape snapped from the doorway. "We haven't got all day, you know." With a parting wave, Lupin left.  
  
"Anyone up for a game of Prick the Git?" George said. "Our latest invention. See, you choose your favorite idiot to put on your cards, and try to get rid of them before the other players are done with theirs."  
  
"Everyone has to pick a different one though," Fred said. "I call Snape."  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
A/N: *Crosses fingers* I hope this works! I'll check back in a while to see if it does. 


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